The key to resolutions

This year we are proud to report we made some major discoveries about New Year’s resolutions.

For decades we had vowed to lose weight without knowing the key to amazing weight loss:

Have major surgery and spend weeks in rehabilitation slurping beef broth and choking down bits of roof tiles that the hospital tells you is “chicken picata,” Oh, sure, we’d hate to see the chicken whose picata these nuggets came from.

In any event, if you combine enough of these picatas with just enough Oxycontin, you will not only lose 20 pounds, you will also have some memories when you were Zorro and Sgt. Garcia was dancing on the end of your sword.

You will also emerge with an insatiable thirst for Gatorade laced with Jose Cuervo.

In short, you will be a slimmer – but more inebriate – form of your former self.

In past years, we have described our fight to remain tobacco free. Well, for the 35th straight year, we did not have a cigarette. Zero. Period. Nada. In fact, we did not even allow any form of the word “Marlboro” in our annual Trivial Pursuit game where nobody in the family gets a correct answer.

The new son-in-law was astounded when he was not allowed to give Sir John Spencer Churchill’s title – the Duke of Marlborough – on the basis that it would send his father-in-law back into addiction.

But, the whole family has to make sacrifices for New Year’s resolutions to work. Even the dog contributed to the serious task at hand by barfing in the family room every time we considered a fattening pupu.

To put it simply, New Year’s resolutions are a team effort. We wish you and your team a successful – but not too serious – effort.

* Editorials reflect the opinion of the publisher.