The Night Before Christmas

(With apologies to Clement Moore)

‘Twas the night before Christmas

And on the lanai,

A beagle was snoring

Beneath a clear sky.

The pupus were eaten

The nogs were all drunk,

The tree skirt was laden

With all sorts of junk.

And I in my nightshorts

(Yes, Jockeys, none finer)

Had just settled into

A massaging recliner

When out on the front porch

There arose such a clatter

I spilled a whole drink

I’d set on a platter

Stumbling and cursing

I went with a roar

To confront the poor dullard

Who’d darkened my door

When what to my wondering

Eyes did appear

But a small menehune

With a grin ear to ear

A dune buggy brimmed

With presents all kine

The wife had been shopping

And the tab was all mine

M’Dame had been busy

Here charge card a flyin’

The numbers were smokin’

From gifts she’d been buyin’

First Macy’s, then K-Mart

Just no way to stop her

She’d proved once again

No slouch as a shopper

The mall Santa smiled

And unloaded the stash

It was clear his big haul

Had cost me some cash

I sputtered and fumed

While he finished his chore

The pile that he left

Now hid the front door

Then he jumped in his buggy

A man on the run

The engine was started

The damage was done

He yelled from the front seat

As he hit the Yule trail

“Merry Christmas to all –

The bill’s in the mail!”