‘How do I love thee?’

With Valentine’s Day just a week away, we’re pretty sure a news article we saw a couple of years ago had a few don’ts in it for aspiring Lotharios.

First off, no matter what the setting, it is never a good idea to tell your new bride that you like her almost as much as bacon.

The Associated Press article related some details from a wedding that took place at the Blue Ribbon Bacon Festival in Des Moines. Tricia Snider and Tom Watson tied the knot in a chapel overlooking an “arena full of vendors selling bacon-filled foods.”

The couple chose this “perfect location” because, the article said, “they enjoy bacon together every weekend.”

Now, it’s obvious from all this smokehouse ambiance that both the bride and the groom have a strong attraction to pork belly. But even though there was no retort from Tricia, we think Tom may have stepped over the line when he was asked how he felt about his new bride.

“She’s second only to bacon,” Tom blithely replied.

Bad move, Tom. For the first few years you should at least pretend to like your bride more than the side order with your eggs. Some zealots would even contend that you actually should be fonder of her than bacon for a while.

Since there was no immediate response from Tricia, we can only assume one of two things:

1. She is a very, very — make that VERY — understanding woman.

2. Or, she didn’t hear him.

We’re betting on No. 2. Either way, though, Tom is a lucky man.

The lesson for the rest of us this Valentine’s Day is simple — don’t give her any smoked pork products this year. If she saw Tricia and Tom’s story, you will arouse suspicion. She’ll wonder just why you brought home the bacon.

No, chocolates are a much safer gift this year. With a little luck she won’t even notice when you eat most of them.

* Editorials reflect the opinion of the publisher.

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